Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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