alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
