she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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