she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
