i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
