today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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