so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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