"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
