May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
