I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
