My room smells like vodka and shame
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
