She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
