Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize