you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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