i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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