ya dads aren't the best wingmen
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
