How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
