There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
