im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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