i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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