Who wears a wallet chain?!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
