I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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