Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
