it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
