he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
