We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
