he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
