just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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