I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
