just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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