I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
