How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
