2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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