Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
