y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
