mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
