so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
