I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Vodka?
Forever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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