Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
