Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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