my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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