if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just threw up on my dentist
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
