Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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