If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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