u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
