She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
