I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize