Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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