Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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