with your own penis?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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