She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
