Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
