toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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