You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
