i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
