Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
