I think I am morally bankrupt
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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