apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
