im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
